My Journal..

August 13-- My turntable is working~!! I'm so happy. People wonder like why i have text messaging blocked on my phone, and why i don't use "face book" or barely log into my "Myspace" account. The reason is that if i keep up with technology, and don't keep loving and honoring the things that used to be cool THAT STILL ARE WAY COOLER, like vinyl, and face to face converstation, i'll die....new subject: One of my faaaaaaavorite clubs ever, the South Bend (Mishawaka) Funnybone has shut down. Nobody seems to know the reason why yet, but it's sad, sad news. RIP , fun room. Janet is one of the best people in the business. I can't believe that this happened to her room!???! She was not the owner (the problem right there). it's funny how the person who often does the most work gets waaaaayyy less money, and gets screwed after all their hard work in the end. Reminds me of when i was a waitress at Houlihans. There was a woman named Cindy Palermo, who totally ran the show. Not a manager, not one of the owners, just the brains and personality (and beauty) behind everything that went down. The GM athe time was more concerned about slammingg down grilled cheese sandwiches and catching Rush Limf*ckers radio show, before seeing that the restaraunt was under control. Ugh. Can you believe that i totally fantasize about waitressing at a diner though? That's what i'd love. 6 am to 2 pm. I'd be so happy with a simple, simple life. Getting up so ungodly early that it's a high...then waiting on cutesy people at a neat place for the morning, and at 2, you're done! Free for the day! No travel. Shit i'd ride my bike! Yeah! There's a place in Asheville called "Meditteranean" that i actually am referring to. I think when i move there, i might take a break from the road and get back to my rooooooooots! I already contacted the woman who runs that place. I'd sling coffee and food for a while and regroup. The road can/will make you old. I feel young still. I want to pace myself. I don't want to end up one of these bitter old comics i run into on the road who look like they died, and act like they want to die. I want to love living. For as long as i'm here.

 

August 5, 2008. When people do insanely kind things, i remember why i still have so much faith in people. A very, very good woman who i met after a show at Jr's in Erie, Pa sent me a card in the mail with money for two tickets to my benefit show at the Moose (money goes to homeless cats). She cannot attend, but wanted me to give the tickets to someone who might not be able to afford it. I just happen to know a huuuuge animal lover who really wanted to go, and is financially strapped. Now she and her husband can go thanks to Sharon. In the words of the Great Van Morrison "Oh the Warm Feeling"

July 25. I am moving to Asheville, NC. I have been asking the universe for something beautiful, something creative, and something good for me for 6-8 months now. Everything is pointing to me being in that magical place, surrounded by people i admire, and people of like mind. Rowan read my cards while i was there last week, and they could not have been more obvious. I have not told my mom yet, and that is going to be a huge challenge, but I know in my heart i have to do this. THEN!!!~ this morning, i got a call from Jamison Yoder, offering me a gig on Oct 2nd at the University of North Carolina in Asheville! WOW! Not only a great paying gig, but right where i need to be. Whoever says the Secret is bullshit needs to go live in a cave somewhere. Really. This is the easiest week of work i have ever had here in Huntington, WV. I'm opening for the hypnotist, J.Medicine Hat. I do 8 minutes a night. NICE. His show is very funny. I would have had doubts before that these people were really hypnotized, but o...mmmmmyyyy god...there is just no question. it's insane. I am free to leave when my short set is over, and i stay every night b/c it's that amazing. AND he's a very nice man. And there's a pool at the hotel. Please keep my friend Patti (PJ) in your thoughts/prayers. Her cat got out of a 2nd story window and passed away the other day. You KNOW i adore Little. If this happened to her, i'd die. Also please do the same for my friend kat, who is finally on the list for a kidney and pancreas transplant. She's so optimistic and positive, and a very young and wonderful woman, who needs to get well soon so she can come and see me in Asheville (her favorite place too). Big good thoughts for you, Sweet Kat! and Gia in kitty heaven.

July 16-- David Kaye and i had so much fun at the comedy club in Kill Devil Hills! It was my first time there. The place we stayed was so fun! The owners of the club put us up at their house, which was right on the water. We kayaked and swam, and i almost got pulled under by a huge wave at the beach. Very scary! But fun! TODAY my buddy Joe Zimmerman and i leave for Asheville! I'm sooOOOoooo excited! I love it there, and i get to perform at the Diane Wartham theater 2/3 nights of the festival! Everyone asked why i didn't take more pictures last time i was there. I will this time! i need a real good tape- i think i'm gonna get it here. Joe Z andi went down to the Pittsburgh funnybone and another open mike last night. It's so easy to bail on your new material when you're sitting there with 5 minutes until your set. It was fun to have someone to sit with who was as unsure of their new stuff...we promised eachother we'd stick to our new stuff....i felt like it was 10 years ago when i used to be so scared to go up, and so unsure of how it was gonna go. That was last night for me. i did three brand new bits. Two of them came out ok and one was very awkward and rough. I love this job....i really do. The sun's shining, and i'm very very happy to be going to one of my very favorite places ever.....It's gonna be a feel good week. I just know it.

 

July 12... so much fun in OBX......more tomorrow about it AND pictures YAY ! New friends and new admiration for David Kaye. Worried about my Mt. View show. Tickets are 35 and i don't want you guys paying that. More later. Love, Melanie

July 3- I am soooOoooooOoo excited! I FINALLY decided on an idea for a t-shirt to sell after my shows. With alot of input from fellow comics, friends, and audience members, i decided to use the Josh-kareoke joke. But the hilarious thing is that my totally talented friend, ANGIE did the art work, and i LOVE IT!! She is way too good to be doing anything else, and I wish that she knew that. I used to waitress with her at Houlihans in Monroeville for years. When she was pregnant, she was stuck hostessing up at the front desk and she would just stand up there and draw pictures of whoever was on the satellite radio, pictures mocking our manager, the customers who were annoying...., and i would laugh my ass off at how FUNNY and ACCURATE the "charactures" were! So when i decided to do this t-shirt, i asked her to draw a pothead. She faxed it to me within a couple of hours, and i almost peed my pants. It looks exactly like what *I* was picturing. It's perfect. So my buddy, Michael Landa is doing the t-shirts for me. There will be a characture that Ang drew of ME on the back too! I'll be selling all different sizes, and even cute baby-doll shirts for the chicks! YAY! Happy 4th of July. Don't drink and drive (your car) i'm all for drinking and biking though.

 

June 19--Busted! I make fun of WalMart on stage. I suppose if you're going to do that, you should hope you don't run into someone who was at your show, with a cart-ful of bargains by the bagful. (Or is that Big Lots' slogan?) I'm on the fence about my WalMart boycott. Most of the food there is like almost half the price it is at the other grocery stores. i feel a little bit like an a-hole going there, because i realize that they are a big ignorant pig who runs all the little businesses out of town, but it's hard when you're strapped for cash to not go get what you need for so little money! I guess i feel that there are more important things for me to take a stand on. I am in the midst of a creative block! I've been doing yoga poses for creativity. I'm really getting into yoga- enjoying it ALOT, and what's really cool is that i can try all these different tapes from the libraray for free. I hate being in the library though. A large congregation of books creeps me out.

 

June 3-- Thanks, Chris Stewart (my web-babe) for putting clips up finally. i hope they're ok. I cannot stand to watch myself. I try, but then i cringe and search everywhere for hidden cigarettes. ha ha ha. Im overly critical, and very unimpressed with what i see. Altho i definitely look better on camera than i do in my mirror, i think that i deliver material alot different than i really do. On the flip side, i have a friend, who i will NOT say his name....Ok get this! when he has people over, he doesn't put muic on for backround; he puts his comedy DVD on for the guests! HA HA HA! HOLY ARROGANCE! and while everyone's eating and socializing, he's the only one going "oh here comes a good one" EwwwWWW! id rather be modest to a fault than THAT! right?? so anyway I'm going to see my dread maintenance girl tomorrow to get my dreads tidyed up. If i didnt have her retie the top, i'd have like a dread-mullet. Fuzzy, loose hair up top then long dreads. A little girl stopped me this w/e and said "Hey! I like your wig!" YesssSSsss! So i was in Scranton at Wisecrackers comedy club and it was sooooo fun! My friend/soul sister, Paula met me there and we went bikeriding Sunday the the Lehigh Gorge 20 miles It was awesome. OH and WOW listen to this. I got an email from a guy who was AT that show in Scranton. It was real nice ya know "great show- love your stuff..." whatever, so i email back "thanks" whatever. Well i get an email back "I can't believe you sent me a note! i got an email from a celebrity!! I had no idea you answered your own fan mail" i was more shocked at his email than he was to get one back from me! It's so funny that anyone thinks i'm fancy!! But i was the same freak-a-zoid a few days ago , i got a personal response from Todd Sickafoose, Ani Difranco's bass player. I sent him a myspace saying how impressed i am with him and his work and he sent a note back. I was the same jaw - dropped nut bag. WOWwwwww Thanks, Todd!!! Peace and love, everybody :)

May 19- I had an amazing time in Toledo Ohio. I got to work with a comic who in many small ways, in a very short time, changed my life. His name is Ken Leslie. He got engaged to his phenomenally cool babe, Norma, on Saturday three feet from where i was standing. How fun! Even tho I, myself don't want to get married, i like to see other people do it (who i think are a good match, that is.) They run an organization that is called "1 Matters" It is a beautiful thing that is all about reaching out to and empowering the homeless in Toledo. (And they have a LOT of homeless people there!!) I learned so much from him, from his work, and from the event. He was one of the least judgey people i've ever met, and he is a church going recovered addict alcoholic! Most people i've hung around with who don't drink and who love church, try to change me. He was totally opposite. In fact, i think after one show, he asked me why i forgot to lick my beer bottle on stage. ha ha. The homeless event was so inspiring to me~ i want to work on opening a chapter here. He started his i believe 17 years ago. He was a comic headlining clubs and saw more and more homeless on the streets and started the annual homeless awareness project tent city held each november . it’s a cool thing that lots of famous people attend, like John Mellencamp who attended last year and gave ken 70 tickets to his concert for the homeless. http://www.toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071103/NEWS16/71103002 . The thing we did Saturday was called food for thought. they have tons and tons of volunteers, lots of donations, food and hygiene products donated and passed out to the homeless people who come and stand in line every Saturday just for the relationships. ....it's become gigantic. and i got to play Todd's guitar and sing for them on Saturday in the park at the library. Please look at their website. It's http://www.1matters.org and if you are performing in Toledo and like doing this kind of stuff email ken. OH! and also--- if anyone knows anything about the crazy onion juggler, who did a guest spot on Friday night, please tell me his whereabouts! This guy was INSANE and i can't stop thinking about him! He disappeared before i could find out if he was really as crazy as he seemed on stage. OH MY GOD i was dying over him. He came out of nowhere- older- kept pulling his pants up, and talking in a very loud voice about very weird things. The crowd was totally confused, and nervous i think, but i wished he'd never left the stage. It was one of the most bizarre things i've ever seen,, and i LOVED IT. I think he's an amateur, i don't know. But he pulled two onions out of his pocket, and juggled them. Then he kept saying "Do you want DOITY???" (that's dirty pronounced doy-tee) but he said it like 5 or 6 times "i can do doity! Don't make me get doity" With very long pauses in between everything he did, it just got weirder and weirder and i couldn't believe how hard i was laughing at him. I went looking for him after my set, and he had vanished. I have never seen someone THAT weird with THAT much confidence. OH so then Saturday night, Ken and Kim and i (the other two comedians) agreed to throw it in our set, but not explain it to the audience. I think Ken might have said it like 29 times. HA HA HA. Hey good news! my web guy Chris is putting some clips on my site here this week ! YAY!

 

May 15 ....so bizarre and weird how being on the road makes me so creative, and so alive.THEN....if I do the road too much, i get so crazy i want to sell my car and go work at Nature's Way. BALANCE. Definitely the key. When i'm home for two weeks, i rarely pick up a pen or notice possible bits/material. I was off for a while, and while i am THRILLED that i'm so interested in, and getting good at yoga, i got to Toledo today, knowing i was headlining 5 shows. GET here, and learn that the benefit show tonight that i thougt was some easy breezy deal for the homeless, was organized by a christian church group , and all the comedians on the bill had to be church- clean. WELL..... i was worried. TURNS out, they were GREAT ! All i really had to do was cut out one of my favorite words (F) Not hard to do surprisingly. To me, the real swear words are "ugly" "hate" "fat' ..... these are words that cause pain. So the church peeps were super cool. I passed out every single last one of my hand made business cards. I got lotsa hugs from lotsa people who smelled nice. I'm doing morning radio. Then i'm making sandwiches for the homeless, then two shows, and then Saturday morning passing out the food to the homeless. I'm so lucky to be so blessed with a job that is soooooo rewarding. Making people laugh, and having the free time to help others who need it.

 

and May 9 Happy Mother's Day . It will be here. My mom just got another good report from the oncologist. 6 years cancer free. Me- i've been practicing yoga and meditation, and then undid all that good during my wild nights in South Bend last week. ha ha NO, not really, but i sure did have fun. That's one of my favorite places, not just because the crowds are almost always easy, but i have alot of friends there. I worked with a woman who really cracks me up. The Tennessee Tramp (Janet Williams) She was sooooo nice!! It always blows me away how the acts that are so clean cut and squeaky are often pricks off stage. Then here she is dirty and raunchy and maybe one of the nicest comics i've ever encountered. Love her! Pictures coming soon. Took quite a few in the Bend.

MARCH 29-- How much I LOVE Broad RIPPLE!!! Yow! I'm working with Kevin Pollak, who i guess is famous. All I know is it's packed every night, which is GREAT! I am not allowed in the green room. ha ha ha. I do think that's so funny. I guess it's written in Kevin's contract. If i get so big that i think it's appropriate to make the opening comics have to hang out in the audience or in the bathroom before and after shows, so that i can have the green room to myself, please hand me an application to Target or Whole Foods or somewhere. It'll be time for me to switch gears. ..new job. I do really like this club (Crackers) AND the area a whole lot. So much so~ i went and inked up the arm yesterday (righteously) Get it?? Very cool place called Metamorphosis by a real cool and positive guy named Trevor. I went biking today on the Monan Trail, which is so nice and so long. Serious bikeriders there, but they are not pretentiuos like some places. I bike ride a whole lot, but i don't have all the gear. You know i wear regular tennis shoes, cheap sunglasses, regular hooded sweatshirt, no crazy Lance Armstrong attire, and some places, people are bike snobs. they'll be eyeing up my inexpensive bike like "how dare you share a trail with me?" I hate that shit. If you're on the bike- GOOD FOR YOU. Exercise is such a good thing. Ooh! Fun news- Ruth-Anne, who books this club i'm at, told me next time i'm here, she's taking me to the Bob and Tom show ! That would be good for the old careeer. Lots of people listen to that show. Yay! I'm so excited to work again tonight. Love the crowds here in Indianapolis (The Rip). Peace ;)

MARCH 26~ I had a bad feeling about that gig at the Mountaneer Casino on April 10. For good reason. The money sounded too good to be right. I emailed the guy to make sure it was still on, and he said no. I guess if i'd not contacted him today, I'd have just shown up and looked like an idiot. Casinos have a creepiness around them (in my opinion) anyway. No wonder that's the gig i get screwed out of. So i'll look at the bright side. I dont have to feel filthy for an hour. I feel dirtier leaving a casino than i do almost anywhere (except a slaughter house or a strip club) I've only been to one of those two, and never again hopefully.

March 25, Thanks to everyone who came out to my final show at the Mt. View Inn on March 15. Standing room only! What a thrill. Sandi Dudash invited me to come back in August. :) I have text message blocked on my phone. Very proud of that. There are some things i had to get with (technology that i tried to boycott) but texting will not be one of them. The art of conversation is already so quickly fading- texting is making communication skills that much weaker. I actually lose respect for people when they text in public. Or when you're talking to someone and they're sneaking the texting!!! I thought some guy was playing with himself! But he was typing through his pants! OMG!!!Oh, and while i'm being negative. State Farm BLOWS. I got hit over ONE year ago, any my car was totalled. Not my fault at all and State Farm STILL has not payed me. I wish i could ride my bike everywhere like the Ditty Bops!

March 12, 2008 ~ I knew i'd enjoy Asheville, and the theater, but i had no idea I would meet people who left SUCH a mark on my life. Rowan and Greg, who are on the picture page, picked me up at the Charlotte ariport, and i spent the next 2 days with them--eating Greg's gourmet cooking, and sitting in the 2nd row of the Ani Difranco show with his babe, Rowan. They are so interesting!! I think she might be certified to do everything. Marry people, teach yoga, deliver babies, make the weather change for events (ha ha...no , but she is so good at meditation, there's a chance she could will it to happen...it was sunny and unseasonably warm the day i got there. I think she had something to do with it.) Then there's her boyfriend Greg, who wrote a book that was a NY Times best seller "Cooking for the Stars" He used to cook for Lance Armstrong. And trust me, i got to eat at their house. He really CAN cook! And he is starting to do stand up. He's very funny and very likeable up there. They are happy and kind, and active, and i love them so bad. The theater show was unbeLIEVABLE! It was gorgeous, and so super classy. There was a guy with a standing bass on the stage the whole time....so wonderful. The people who came to the show were like the perfect audience. It's going to be hard to get over the high of that show. Laurel and Charlie are two close friends and partners of Rowan and Greg. They help produce the comedy shows there at the Diane Wartham theater. He used to be a producer on Last Comic Standing. It's funny how the four of them have done so much, are so cool, yet downplay everything, and never brag. It usually *is* the ones who go around talking in an obnoxiously loud voice about all the big deal shit they've done who you either know is lying, or aren't even interested b/c their presence is so unbearable. These four were very modest, and just a total joy to be around. Even their pit bull, Sullivan was neat. And the green room was top notch, too. They had their local brew there for us Highland. DeLISH! Really good beer. http://www.laughyourashevilloff.com I used to think i'd move to Boise if i could pick anywhere. Not anymore. Definitely Asheville, North Carolina. OH-- and the bed and breakfast they put me up in???? YOWW! The most gorgeous place i've ever stayed. http://www.whitegate.net Different subject, i know alot of people are obsessed with American Idol these days. I'm not, thank God. I woulnd't have time with my sad , embarassing obsession --Amy Winehouse. Her latest "party trick" ? snorting vodka. She is nuts. Did you hear that that famous demon chaser (what do you call that? excorcist man?) thinks that she is possessed by the devil and he wants to excorsize (?) her demon. I am so intrigued by her. She *is* insane, but i dont' think she is possessed. I feel so sorry for her though that all these psychotically unflattering pictures of her keep turning up on the internet. They're so nasty about it too! I know she's a big time partier, but do they HAVE to blow up all those shots they get of her, and go on and on about how terrible she looks?? With pipes like that, who cares what she looks like??? And they juice it up, and act like every picture is after a big binge. Sometimes people just don't look good all the time. I can't imagine being famous, and having to see the shots they might get of me after a nap at the airport, or if i had a cold, and my nose and eyes were red. The big headline would no doubt read something untrue about a bender...I doubt that i could brush that shit off if i was famous. Who knows? maybe i wouldn't care. That's one of the reasons i'm anti-American Idol. If you look around at any given time, 10 out of 10 people are not going to be beautiful and model-ish. There is almost no one on that show who looks "average" That is annoying to me. And once again, like most tv, a very poor message. My big gig at the Mt. View is Saturday! I'm gonna know so many people there! I might even go buy a new pair of shoes. Big clunky, platform boots like my GF, Ani D.

March 5~ Ani's soundcheck was a total thrill and so was the show. I didn't get to meet her, but what happened was more than cool enough. Plus, there's still tomorrow!!! I'll be in Knoxville second row tomorrow. I was coming out of the bank today and a guy said "You're isn't that comedian, is you?" Is it bad that i said no? I'm not usually afraid of people with that poor of grammer (how could i be? i need spell check on here baaaad...)but he also had a confederate flag in his truck window. I try to minimize talk with those folks. I think the Diane Wortham theater might be the biggest crowd i've played in front of yet (as a main act anyway) i did that music theater in Wheeling back when i was an ameteur, but i think i only did about 5 minutes of material. I'm doing 40 Friday. It's such a delightfully hippy area. I wish i could stay an extra day, but i have to fly home then drive way up to the Ramey Firehall, which couldn't be more opposite Asheville! HOLY CONTRAST!! I'll be going from a place where they put me up at a $400 a night bed and breakfast to a place where i'm offered someone's truck bed. There will be lots of beautiful gay people in Asheville, and plenty of homophobic dudes with gun racks on their truuuucks up in Ramey. Lots of Obama supporters in Asheville. I bet there will be more than one person attending the firehall gig who try to vote for Bush again. It's good to have both though! Balance. This time at a real extreme!! I love it up there; i do! It's just funny to me right now. I'm working on updating my picture page btw. My comedy buddy Eric just told me how scary the picture of me in the underarmour hat is. I'm SO leaving it up there now forEVER! Think positive thoughts for me tomorrow to meet the goddess!!

FEB 28-- Ok so this couldn't BE more exciting! I entered a contest with my favorite independent radio station 91.3 FM WYEP Pittsburgh to go to Ani DiFranco's sound check "party" . Got the email yesterday that i was ONE OF THE WINNERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy happy happiness..... AND and AND i'm doing this fancy big theater deal next week in BEAUTIFUL Asheville NC, and the cool-ass booker and his babe and i get to see ANI the night before our big theater bash! Oh yes~~ things are good in the universe ! I think the Secret is the real deal. Or i'm just getting good things for donating blood, which i hate doing. I have that powerful O+ blood that the b. banks like, so i go and do it, and get all nervous and weird, then feel so wonderful afterwards. If you can, please give. It's so important. Life is so neat. I'm one happy fu*ker. Happy happy happy...Love to all....LOVE

Feb 18 **It's 14 days till the Ani Difranco concert!!!!!!!!!!******* I had a great time at State College this weekend. Tom Bruce knows how to pack them IN! Lots of people there- and thank you HOLIDAYSBURG folks for coming again! There's a guy who wears Cowboys gear- like head to toe. I was picking on him so bad at the Holidaysburg gig last month, and they came up to State College this weekend !! It is so weird tho how the people you torture end up coming back for more! It's President's Day....so today i am sending good vibes and visualizing a stress free year for our next president: Barack Obama!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feb 11-Grammys last night.... totally rooted for Amy W-- oh yessss!! I am ALL about Winehouse! She won 5 out of 6! Yay!!!! I was totally disgusted by Conyay West ( i don't know how to spell his name, but that's ok, b/c he doesn't know how to NOT be a dick at the awards shows. ) Of COURSE i feel sad he lost his mom, but there is no question that he acts like a real a**HOLE!! I loved Winehouse's song combo of " and "You Know I'm No Good" and Rehab" from London. The only grammy that she did NOT win was won by HERBIE HANCOCK! for the Joni Mitchell deal!! NICE!! soooOOo The bed and breakfast that we stayed at in Ohio Valley this weekend I REALLY want to plug. It's new and it's beautiful & wonderful. "A Light In The Storm" It's on 737 Market Street Victorian Wheeling West Virginia, WV 26003 (304)905~0395 Email: lightinthestorm737@yahoo.com . Sheree was such a great host. I will continue to support and spread the word about her beautiful house. ON a different NOTE~ i kind of hate to admit that i celebrate Paris' movie flop , but i was so happy that her movie bombed. Isn't that mean?? Naaaaaa......if you love P. hilton, you're probably not a fan of mine. hahahahahaaa....

Feb 6- Very well written:

A question, a reflection, and an endorsement.

Why is our country divided?
Why has this division been growing?

Can we not all agree that we are a country that supports its families, that protects its citizens and respects its neighbors?
A country that educates its children?
Are we not a country that can lead by example rather than by force?
Is ours a government of the people, by the people, for the people?

I would like to think so.
But I believe that corporate greed and its involvement in policy making, along with political cronyism have made it nearly impossible for the people to govern.
So we fight amongst ourselves over the spin of political slogans and half truths.
And so we are divided.

It is time for a change and that is why I support Barack Obama for President.

Respectfully,

Dave Matthews

Love him even more than before. So... the shows at Mt View have been going really well~ super fun. The last one that I'm booked for is March 15. It's a great place to do comedy , and I've been having a real blast there so far. So try to make it out! I have been seeing lots of people from highschool and stuff! One of my BEST friends Shelly was there last time, and she brought pictures of us acting like lunatics when we were teenagers. So much fun. I would say "i was so immature" but now i just act childish with a different group of people. No, not all the time. But people who can't act silly anymore scare me.

Jan 30~ Took Little Cat to the vet yesterday, and the vet aide said my cat smells like Nag Champa. Nice! If you burn (delightful, good) incense in your home obsessively like i do, all of your stuff will smell like it. Even your pet :) SooOOoo anyway, ...in my comedy journy, alot of people tell me that they wish they'd see me on TV. I have been dodging exposure, and lately pondering why that is. I think that what draws people to me at shows is the love that i have for the craft. My love for the business is limited. My love for life, people, and simple experiences is what makes me a happy person. I think i want to keep my life simple so i dont change. I was contemplating going to Arizona to audition for Last Comic Standing. Something is stopping me, and i think it's that i want my job to be just a job. Not my identity. When i meet people, i like to talk about anything BUT what my next step is. I find people to be fascinating...whether they're a waitress, a plumber, a housewife, a homeless person...all people. I try to do a great show every night that i work. Then when i'm done, i like to learn about the people who came to the show. Then i go home, and think a little bit about my next show/ my act, but mostly i reflect on what happened in that day that was special. I like all the things that make up a day. Not just the parts that involve me and my job. I fear that if i made it too big, i would become too self absorbed. I like to stilll keep the focus on all that is going on around me. I am looking into getting certified to do massage therapy. When the long process of schooling for this is done, i will be looking for clients!

Jan. 23 I was sick yesterday with a quick flu, but already on the upswing today . I watched TV almost all day, and i have absolutely NO idea how people can sit around watching it.all the time ! There is soooo much GARBAGE!!!! Now i also understand why there are back to back to back to back episodes at night of Law and Order SVU-! it's one of the only good things on TV! I luuuuv Olivia! That show where the 80s "rocker" with the eyeliner...Brett Michaels(?) has a house full of cheese balls who want to be his GIRL! How embarassing is that show?? At least with Flav-a Flave, it was FUNNY. He was hilarious. This show they're kind of serious! I have had mad crushes on celebrities before, but If, say, Dave Matthews' wife left him, and he did this type of show (which of course she'd probably never leave him, and he'd never do a show that queer) but I would not even think about going on tv to try to be Dave's new babe. I never liked competition, and certainly not living with a room full of desparate chicks being televised, knocking themselves out and putting eachother down to try to get the big man prize. Someone once asked me if Dave matthews did ask me out, would i jump at the opportunity. The true answer is no. There is something very special about love for a celeb. Adoration for someone untoucheable is fun because it is what it is. I like it the way it is. If i ever went out with someone famous that i'm ga ga over, i'd wouldn't feel at their level. I'd always think of them as fancy. Then when that wore off, they'd be a regular person who i can't pretend is perfect anymore. Now if i get a chance to meet my girlfriend Ani D, i am definitely asking her to autograph my skin. I'd love to get her name, written by her tattood on me. According to the Secret, if i visualize it, it'll happen. I'm visualizin ani's pen on my skin. Then a trip to the tattoo parlor that i said i wouldn't do again. Yeah whatever. Thank you, David Kaye for all the work you've been throwin my way. I love being home.

1/13/08 ....I had a blast in Lansing at Connxtions...was going to talk about the young stripper i met with her 48 year old bf but i realized that it's a very sad situation, and not something really to be joked about. Strippers are very troubled young women. Like that one late night talk show host said about Brittany Spears: "This is a disease, and it's not funny" I kind of feel the same way about strippers. It's really a very sad state of mind. They kind of ARE to be pitied-It 's hard to feel that when they're at the bar all hammered with their huge fake ta-tas everywhere, but imagine having a day with them....it'd be very sad. The owner of the club had a mustache that Tommy Thompson (the feature this week) was very fond of. so, i am going to put a picture up of us three....happy january everyone. Love and laughter :)

1/11/08 I did morning radio on two stations this week here in Michigan. Radio is sometimes so weird. It's hard to be funny at 7 am, and it's super bizarre to me how these djs function on a daily basis at that creepy time, especially in the winter! I'm draggin my ass in there with a jumbo coffee, and they're eating tacos and talking in their outside voices. People always ask the same questions at the beginning of the interview: Where are you from and the next question is usually "what is it like to be a female comic?" how am i supposed to answer that ?? How would i know anything different?? "Well, when I was starting out - i was a man and it was easier to get quick approval, but now that i'm a girl, i find i am being judged more on my appearance..." ?? A guy at the show last night said he came just because he heard my radio interview. i was surprised b/c i never know how i did with the fake laughter from the air staff you know...it's hard to tell. I'm so used to immediate vaildation (or not) from being live on stage. It's nice to know when you're liked and when you're not. Unfortunately that spills over into my private life in many ways. I have to watch that. Because i work 4, 5 nights a week in front of a room full of people whose attention i have for 45 minutes, now i hate when people multi task when i'm talking to them. I wonder if that's because i'm spoiled by the attention i get at the job. I really try to keep my personal life separate from the stage life. They ARE so different. Hanging around a comedian who's always ON is one of the most draining things everrrrrr. Especially if you're sharing a condo with them, and they're running new material by you when you're trying to prepare lunch. ugh. I love the Hampton Inn. They've got a kick ass continental breakfast and a very big bed, which is great this week cuz i have a cold :( My friend Dave just sent me this story about how filthy hotel glasses are- how they don't wash them, and they even spray them with some blue liquid.... I wasn't rattled by the story at all. People can laugh all they want when i unload my car for 45 minutes to stay one night somewhere. i KNOW that the hotels don't care how clean your room is! We've all seen the comforter thing on CNN...I bring my own everything: lysol, comforter, pillow, towels,, cups....The fact that they will sometimes sniff the towels to decide whether or not they need to be washed makes me feel less guilty about sneaking my little cat into the room. I get scared sometimes tho cuz she likes to sit on the window sill. So if the hotel manager happens to walk by my room, i have to have something prepared. "OH I still like stuffed animals." They're probably like "uh it was moving" --"well, it's one of those battery operated ones.

12/28/07 OH my God! It's working!!!!!!!!!!! Finally! This was not me being lazy- my site would not update! I'm in Omaha right now thrilled over the rebirth of the site. I did NOT want to have to start using myspace full time! This entry below looks old to me now . It was from like a month ago!!

Nov. 29 Boise is magical. I love it here so so so much! But i had two very awkward encounters on my way here at the Denver Airport . I am so pro-Woman OF COURSE, and i made the stupidest, most assinine sexist remark....ok, i've been thinking about bringing my guitar along on trips where i fly, and i wasn't sure how that worked, so i thought i'd ask a flight attendant if i saw one sittin around the airport on one of my long lay-overs. So i'm in Denver , with 20 mins left till i board, and i saw one, so i said, "You're a flight attendant?" and she said "Excuse me?" and I asked AGAIN (i'm such a moron). She said "I'm a pilot" I felt like suuuuch a diiiick. I usually do assume that the pilot is a guy (stupid , sexist assumption) but she was wearing make up, and nails all done up-- Why does she need to look all dollled up in the cockpit..? Still...she probably gets that all the time, and that must get just as annoying as people saying to me, "Well say something funny". The other (beyond) awkward thing that happened flight day was so uncomfortable i can't believe i'm gonna type it. Ok. i'm not a huuuuuge kid fan, but i do like them alot on certain days... as long as they're not screaming or pulling my hair. So there were these two little girls in the waiting area of the airport, ADORABLE and friendly, and i was diggin them. Well their mom was super grump. She looked so miserable and every time i would try to look at them or smile at them, she would look at me with an evil eye...so right before they started boarding, the one was playing a game with me like my cat does...she would put her hand around the pole that separates the seats, and i'd catch her hand and she'd laugh hysterically. Fun stuff. So the mom was gone for a second- didn't see her anywhere and the other little girl decided she was gonna play the game, but she was older, and better at it, so when i went to grab her hand, she would move so fast, i missed, and they both laughed. WELL............i am not super competitive, but i was kind of getting pissed that i couldn't get the hand. OK long story short....i saw the little hand, and i waited like 4 seconds, thinking that she'd put it there again and i'd GRAB it, well when i went to yank my hand around the separation pole, there came their DAD with his unit right in the line of fire.... I cannot explain how totally embarassing that was..... the grumpy mom must have gone somewhere and the dad returned, so he didn't even KNOW my history with his daughters... all he sees is my hand coming right at his unit, and my face with a devilsh smile (intended for the disappeared daugher who i thought i was involved in game with...) . That's what happened. Good night. I have to get up and be funny at 6 am. Love and peace...xoxox.

Melanie;)

 

NOV 11~ Happy 62nd Birthday, Neil Young! SoooOOOoooo, thanks to the students at University of Wisconsin- I can no longer say that I don't like performing at the colleges!! They were awesome! I was blown away by how polite they were before, during and after the show. What a great night for me. I am usually more than ready to get off the college stage after 45 minutes, but i looked at my watch Saturday, and I was at 47 minutes. I was actually disappointed. They were so into the show- i could have easily done another 15.. It flew by. And the girl that organized the whole thing (Emily) was ADORABLE!! Thank you, UW for the positive experience. :) I had a super-long layover at the Detroit airport. I saw this couple that made me laugh so hard- i spit water out of my mouth. I love being entertained w/o warning, even if it means embarassing yourself in public! I had just taken a swig when i saw them; i literally laughed so quickly & so hard that the water came flyin out, which then made me laugh even harder. Laughing is the funnest thing ever. Ok you know those guys who go to the gym a little bit too much? They have the big huge neck, the Gold's Gym tank top, and the furrowed eyebrow face all the time? Ok that's who i saw, but with a matching girl. She had the same face on ( you know what i mean? that face that one makes when studying, concentrating, yelling...) I had 3 hours left at the airport, so i turned around to follow them, and sat at their gate to watch them. Ok he had bleached blonde hair - so did she. Matching hair, matching fake tans, matching gold necklaces, he was wearing the Gold's Gym tank top, with big huge arms exposed in the 40 degree airport. She was wearing a sweat band on her head like Olivia newton John wore in the video "Physical" Yeah, a sweat band to sit in an airport. I wonder if they thought there would be a little gym on the plane or in the Detroit airport? Detroit- one of the few places where smoking is allowed right in the bars at the airport?? Do you think these two wanted people to know that they work out? She had the tightest pair of sweat pants i have ever seen. Yes, she was in shape, but it was disgusting. I think she bought a pair meant for 6 year olds. G-ross! She had on a cut off tee shirt (cut right below her ta-ta's) and her shirt said "Pumpin Iron" Ewww! I sat right across from them, pretending that i was taking that flight also. I knew they wouldn't notice me staring at them, as they were too busy admiring one another 's physique and their own too. NO JOKE the gate we were sitting at had a full length mirror right by the garbage can. They were each eating a protein bar, so that would be one wrapper per person. Each of them went to the garbage can at least 3 times, pretending to throw something away just to catch a glimpse in the mirror. They barely talked to eachother, but when they did, i swear i am not making this up, they almost struck a pose to say something. I don't know how long they have been together or maybe they're not even! But when he would say something to her, he put his elbow on his knee, chin almost on shoulder-- You kind of have to do this yourself to get the image .... they reminded me of an SNL or Mad TV skit, but they were for real. Bye bye for now...Peace ;)

 

October 25--Once again, I cannot believe how thoughtful all the people who read my little diary are. Thank you for the kind words, and thank you for understanding that this is a very healthy venting spot for me. I know that people don't follow my career to hear me whine about my hardships. People who really know me know that my energy on stage is only part of what i am. I am also very sensitve and very emotional. I love that i have met people along the way who care. Thank you a billion. On the upside-- this little rut i've been in has somehow made me very creative today! I was working on my set list for the first show tonight, and I have THREE new bits to do tonight! I dont' know where this came from, but this one new bit that i'm doing tonight is actually making me laugh out loud. It is based on a true story from my high school friend, Christin Lizza, who lives in New York City now, and has actually done some stand up herself! She told me something like 18 years ago that her brother said to her, and i've had it in my little brain for a long time. Today for WHATEVER reason, it popped into my head, and made me laugh very hard! It fits in perfectly with a bit that needs something after it! A little puzzle is being put together today! I am so happy about it. I can't just sit down and force myself to add new material. It has to come to me when the time is right. My mentor at one time (Buzz Nutley) was a great coach. He always encouraged me to write alllll the time. But everyone's method is different. He's a great writer. He can sit down with the newspaper, and write topical bits. I sometimes have to pull the Honda over to write something down because it comes to me at very random times. Today was one of those days. It's like the higher being is saying "Ok You're struggling personally...i'll throw you a comedy bone" Yay, Universe. Happy Friday. Love to all ;)

October 24- I thought i would pass along a few healthy pieces of information i recently discovered. I eat a lot of spinach, and always thought that it was more beneficial to eat it raw. WRONG. Turns out that if you sautee it in olive oil, the heat, in combination with a healthy fat, will release the antioxidants that might not get to you as well if you do not cook it. What wonderful news! It's so much better cooked (with garlic)! The other thing that i just love is if you are tense or suffer from musle pain or fatigue, to shower in a series of temperatures is the best way. Start out with semi-warm water, working up to steaming hot, and as you're getting ready to get out, turn it to cold. It does something really good to your body. See~ i can pass this along, but i sound extremely uneducated as i deliver the info. Ha ha. Iced green tea is not nearly as healthy as hot. ALRIGHT new topic and this is not fun. Sorry. Can't be Good Time Charlie 24/7, especially when there is something very serious going on in your life. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, as many of you already know. The sad news is that she is now clinically depressed. Depression is a disease, and alot of people do not understand that. I am only writing about this because, well, it's very important to me, and affecting my life in a huge way, but more importantly; if i can edcuate even 20 people about this, that will be a good thing. If you know anyone who suffers from depression/anxiety , the last thing you ever want to tell them is to "shake it off" or "pull it together" I KNOW that it's hard to understand why someone can't get out of bed or why taking a shower is WORK, when this person used to be active and healthy. Even more--- if you have never felt this, of COURSE it's easy to say "just suck it up" But they can't, and that type of "advice", for someone who is in the scary stages of depression (which my mom, Lainie, definitely is) will make the person fall deeper into it and feel more alone. My mom has tried anti depressants, therapy , and so many other things, it would fill up this whole page. She talks about suicide, and i am scared to death every day that i'm going to get that call. I feel totally helpless and very lame for not being able to contribute in any way other than to call her all the time, help her around the house when i'm in town, and let her know that this is not her fault. I also appreciate people caring about my struggle with this, but if one more person gives me advice like "maybe she just needs to take a walk" --- as unviolent of a person as i am- that person might get slapped in the gut (that's a little less harsh than me kicking them in the teeth, which was my first choice)..."maybe a volunteer job will help" OH REALLY?? This is a woman who is terrified to go to the mailbox, her anxiety is so bad, she can't even go to the bank, and a volunteer job is gonna fix 'er all up? That is like telling someone with cancer to eat an apple...maybe that'll do the trick. I hate to sound angry, but for some reason, this is hitting me all at once very suddenly, and i dont' want to bottle it up, and i want people to understant that depression is a VERY VERY common serious disease that our society does not respect, understand or tolerate nearly as much as it should There was a special on TV yesterday about depression. As sad as it was, it really gave me some hope. Some of these people's stories were just like Lainie's and they got out of it. I am not a religious person, but i am asking the universe to do something for her. She is a very good person, and has done alot of good during her 57 years here. She is so sad and so desparate for help. I can't even start to rant about our f*cked up insurance companies and drug companies, but they want her to travel two hours to see a psychiatrist, because the ones who are near her house are not included in her provider-bullshit. She should be allowed to PICK WHO she sees...she thinks about killing herself for f*ck's sake! .I am so glad that i'm working with Eddie Gossling this week because he is a ray of sunshine on and off stage, and as beautiful as my living situation is here, i am having a hard time getting geared up for the shows. He is making my nights here very bearable. He's hilarious and a good man.Please think positive thoughts for Lainie Maloy, and everyone who suffers from this very painful illness.

October 22--Columbus Funnybone is ridiculous. So many comics have said "if you bomb there, get out of the business" Pretty much. I love that room. Dom Irrera headlined over the weekend. We went and had some beers after Friday's show. He's so italian. We talked about the Beatles and the business. Then i got to hang out with Dave Stroupe for a little while Saturday. He's so down to earth- i just adore him. Most owners/bookers do not give a sh*t about you. He actually listens when you talk , and asks questions about your personal life, rather than this ONE club i worked a few years back...Oh my god...the guy said "do you have any different material you might try tomorrow night?" i said "uh...why?" and he said "well our crowds like Larry The cable guy kind of stuff...so maybe you want to work on something more like that for tomorrow" i said "or i can just be prepared to bomb the rest of the weekend, but still be able to sleep at night, knowing i didn't try to be more like Larry the Cable Guy" So anyway the crowds in Stroupe's rooms are almost always just fantastic. It's too bad i haven't come up with a teeshirt idea yet - i could have sold so many those nine shows in Columbus...If anyone reading this has any ideas, i'm open to suggestions. Obviously something from my act would be good, but any input would be great. Not the joke "i bet you'd feel better if you bl#w me" though. Everyone's been saying that, but i really don't think i'd put that on a shirt--??!! although i guess i'm not too ashamed of the joke or i wouldn't still be doing it. I am getting a piano in less than two weeks! I can't WAIT! Thats gonna make me want to stay home even more than i already do! I got home from Columbus at 3 am and i'm flying to Tampa at 11 am tomorrow...i understand how people get road weary. Im even starting to look old! I have a ton of energy, and am not a fan of laying around and watching TV, but non stop non stop does take a toll after a while. I can sleep for 10, 11 hours though, with no guilt. My little cat has a new habit of tapping me on my face when i sleep in too late. I love that little animal so much, that even THAT does not annoy me. I just wake up laughing. she's so adorable and i LOVE HER!

October 12-- Oh yessss! It is finally working again..(this site, that is) .I got so many emails, asking what was wrong. I am really flattered (and surprised) how many people look at my webpage! wow. So let me catch you up--! Last month, inbetween my two local shows, I flew to Denver for one day to perform at The School of Mines in Golden Co. It's so beautiful there. You have to be really smart to get into that school, so i was very surprised when some of the kids were heckling idiotic shit. I was more annoyed than i would normally be, since i'd been told only that they were very intelligent. Really? Yelling out , right during one of my jokes, "Aaron's gay" That's real mature. Oh! and how about when one of those a-holes yelled out "tits" just the word. Not even "show us..." as drunk men often say (real classy ) just TITS. now that i think about it, maybe someone got into that school without them knowing they have terets. There were some really nice students there, who were very respectful, but there was a group of boys in the back who were so obnoxious I kind of wanted to punch them, and i hate violence. If the colleges didn't pay so well, I would never do it. You never know what you're gonna get. Sometimes the kids just walk in and out like it's a party! In and out of the room, talking in their outside voices the whole time. I hope i didn't act like that when i was in college. Actually i know that i didn't at the comedy show. They did a comedy night at St. Vincent when i was a freshman, and when i walked in, the comedian started making fun of me for being blonde. But nothing funny or clever, just "oh look. -a blonde just walked in. I bet she's dumb " (I guess i should clarify that before i had dreadlocks, my hair was very light.) But it was so stupid...he was so unfunny and now that i look back on that--- how did HE get a college gig? When i get payed real well, I always second guess my skills. I'm sort of insecure that way. But if i'm gonna make fun of someone, it's gonna be more funny than it is insulting! and I certainly don't like to just embarass someone who looks like they're shy. Believe it or not, when i was 19, i was very shy. AND i definitely showed up at the comedy show sober, because i didn't drink until i was 21. Thus all the catch up now. HA ha ha. I had no interest in comedy at that point, so for a long time THAT was my only experience related to comedy. I think that is why i try so hard at every show. Someone might be at their very first live show, and you are responsible for making an impression on them- what the experience is going to be. OK so where else have i been? OH, my first time in the New England states! Hartford, CT...The Funnybone is a great club, and the weather was GORGEOUS, so i rode my mountain bike for hours every day, but the living situation suuuucked. I am debating whether to write about this or not....hmmmm...until I decide--I'll tell you of my next trip. i got cancelled in Orlando (first week of Oct) cuz they lost their liquor license, so Dave Stroupe (who i love) put me back in Cincinnati! 3rd time there in like 4 months. It was great, except for when i said on stage that i heard the Bengels were in the "basement" which did not go over too well. It was actually kind of thrilling to get boo-d like that. I am not kidding. I was giggling while they were screaming and swearing. Who's immature now?? hahahahaa...I think people who get that emotionally involved in sports need therapy. I don't care if that pisses people off. I used to bartend, and i am not exaggerating..there were people who would almost cry over their team losing, and these same people would tell you that their wife is in the hospital having surgery while they're sitting at your bar, pounding beers and laughing with their buddies. or the fact that if you live anywhere near Pittsburgh, and you're not a Steeler fan- it's like you support terrorism. Maybe some people just dont' care about football!?? .but anyway, Aries Spears drew a great crowd- black people are the funnest. They laugh so well. They bang on the table and eachother. it's wonderful. I got to ride my bike alot there too....to and from the club even! They have a pedestrian bridge over the river, called the Purple People Bridge. I think that is AWESOME. Pedestrian bridges are amazing. My dad and i are going to San Fransisco on vacation next month. It's the first time i've gone anywhere that didnt' involve work for about 4 or 5 years. Last time i went on a non work trip was Mexico...

 

Sept. 13...I had so much fun in Rochester NY! I was not expecting to. Sometimes t's all about who you're working with. Jim Dailakis is one of THE most wonderful people I've ever worked with. He's kind, interesting, goofy, funny, deep, crazy and positive, and silly! I just loved working with him. We laughed so hard, so much- IN SPITE even of all the chaos that was going on in the condo! I got there about 45 minutes before showtime (yes, very risky.. i hit all kinds of traffic....) anyway, I had a gut feeling that i should not take a shower, but i thought "5 hour drive? yeah..i'd better." SHOULD have GONE with the gut!! The nobs were broken on the ghetto shower, and i forced the cold on , but couldn't get the hot...that's a real fun time. Ice cold water spitting at ya...so i got all irritated (which usually gives me more strength) and i tried the hot again- the whole fixture flew out of the wall, and the hot water came gushing at me like a fire hydrant and WOULD NOT STOP! So the tub is filling up fast and furious - i'm wrestling with the hot stream of water, trying to get the silver thing back ON-- getting burnt and mad all the while, and i realized that this is not going to stop. So i'm in a towel, dripping wet - (oh that was the other thing- when i wash my hair, i allow hours for it to dry- definitely not planning to wet down the old dreads this day...) and now i'm in a panic, so i run out of the bathroom in the drenched towel, yelling to Jim that he has to help me. He thought i was just fuckin around. I said "no seriously Jim, there's going to be a flood!" So we called the club to find out how to reach the landlord, we looked for the main water thing to turn it off...the bathroom is now flooding, and headed for the carpeted hallway, the doorbell's ringing. Of course it was not maintenance, it was the angry neighbor downstairs wandering why her ceiling is leaking??? We finally got it turned off , but the whole week we had to go into the maintenance closet, turn the whole water system on anytime we wanted to wash hands, brush teeth, make coffee- anything. Hilarious. People were coming and going from the apartment all weekend. They thought we were crazy because we acted so silly around eachother. There are certain people who come along in your life who are the same exact amount of goofy that you are, and you bring it out and fuel it in eachother. That was us. I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time. I met a cute girl named Allison. She gave me a little bag with three stones in it. One is for attracting the right people towards me, one is to protect that stone, and one doesn't mean anything, she just liked it. I had told her that i am done being around negative, nasty people, and that i want to envision, and bring to me- good healthy people. I have NOT seen "The Secret" and i'm not sure that i will love it the way so many of my friends do. It sounds too basic almost! Visualize what you want, and the universe will deilver it. As a joke, someone sent me what they're using "the secret" for, and it's just what i think people would do- big cars, hot girl, a boat--- if it's real, i would imagine it would be for things like health, love, success, patience, stuff like that. I am going to start exercising some form of this thought process. I do believe that if you think positive thoughts and concentrate on willing things to be or not to be-- it will happen more than if you do not do that. I have made poor choices with people in the last few years, and i am done dealing with/ putting up with people who deliver angry outbursts towards me , whether it's in the form of an email, a drunken phone call, or just them having a bad day- taking it out on me? No more. I want a peaceful circle around me, and that is what i am trying to accomplish, besides being a kick ass stand up comic, and a great mother to my little gata- Julio. (her name has changed yet again....Julio..) Just for now...Anyway, my focus right now is my mom's health, and my choice in company. Peace and laughter. :)

Sept 4 My favorite clubs are the ones booked by Dave Stroupe (well, except the Boise funnybone, which *is* my favorite club ever.) But Dave Stroupe runs the Columbus Funnybone and books 11 other clubs (funnybones and improvs). They recently had Andy Dick at the Columbus club, and it made USA Today. I guess he was so nasty and unprofessional; he pissed on some people and groped patrons! How do you have a job as cool as headlining an A room and get that sloppy and stupid?? What is one thinking?? "Ok, i am getting payed thousands of dollars to make people laugh for 45 minutes a night, and i'm gonna pee on the guests" ?!?!?!? I feel so lucky to get to do this job- i get nervous over BAR GIGS still! I want to make sure that i am funny every time i'm on stage. The Columbus funnybone is one of the most wonderful comedy clubs in America! When i feature there, i make sure i'm doing the best show i can do for my 30 minutes on stage. He's getting payed WAY more than me, and his name is KNOWN-- i have NO idea why he'd do something so disgusting with such a wonderful opportunity. I can see if you're fed up with the 14 years you've put in at Long John Silvers or something. You're tired of taking out the trash, slaving over a fryer, and getting no raise. Maybe one day you get drunk at work and yell at a customer and piss on their leg. You get fired, you move on to your next fast food joint....An established comedian? WHY?? No one set him off! They were there to see him and he peed on them! WTF!??

SEPT. 3 Happy Labor Day. It's so so funny - i've gotten so many emails about that Amy Shubert doing my deaf guy bit-- i choose to think that it's possible we comics think alike, and she came up with similar material, but it's hilarious how my friends and people who keep in touch with me from previous shows are so mad! That's the biz.. Another funny thing is that I have a shot at getting on Letterman, yet the rumors in Pittsburgh are so different. "When were you on jay leno?" and "I heard you are gonna be working FOR Letterman" (?) ha ha. I haven't even gotten the green light for the spot on the show, and i got a call yesterday "Heard you were hanging out with Dave Letterman" (!?!?! What is really funny is that people who haven't talked to me in a while NOW want to reconnect, like "Oh you've finally made something of yourself" I am so not the typical comic, b/c the days i feel i "MADE SOMETHING" of myself is when i go up to the nursing home and make those old people smile, when i look at my little cat, who loves me so much for taking care of her after she's had such a rough ride, or when i go to a small town and make those toothless, poor people happy--- those are the days i feel "YES im DOIN IT" not getting a spot on Letterman. Yes, great for my career- YES wonderful and exciting- but i like to think that acheivments are more than standard guidelines of what is success. I hope that i get this break , but if i don't-- i think maybe it'd be smart to send it to an easier show to get on. People are laughing that i've never tried to get on TV , and when i do, i aim for the toughest spot to get! Letterman. ha ha. That is how i roll ...make things tough for myself. I'm enjoying my holiday. Skies are blue here in Greensburg, Guster is blasting, and i am smiling. Hope you are too.

August 30, 2007 Hi. I sent my 2nd audition tape to Eddie Brill today (Letterman comedian booker). I still can't believe that he called me and wanted another tape. It's funny how i've never even tried to get on TV, and now I aim for the hardest show to get on. well anyway, I am working on updating this site, but today starts my little vacation, AND i am crushed that my favorite comedian (and friend) Ralph Harris got voted off Last Comic Standing last night. Boo Hiss, Voters and NBC. WHAT-everrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Not to mention that i watch comedy on TV almost NEVERrrr, and that girl (amy?) that remains on the show did a bit about dating a deaf guy that was so super similar to mine, i wanted to throw up. THIS is WHY i don't watch comedy! ugh.....No one said comedy is fair, AND this show leaves the judging in the hands of viewers, who half the time (well, MORE than than half the time) don't know SHIT!! Ralph should have won. I know it said it already, but i'll say again RALPH HARRIS should have WON LAST COMIC STANDING ! F*ck that show.

SOooo tomorrow is Aug 29 and my web-Master, the guy up above, Chris Stewart, is comin over to help me get my web page lookin smooth! Should be done by Thursday. Thanks for reading. Peace love and FINGERS crossed please-- the Letterman people called me. Liked the tape and want to see another one! YEsssssssssssss! Filmed 2nd tape last night- details soon! AWWWww yeah!! I thought this week off would be relaxing- oh, no. This is the busiest i've been in a WHILE! Good things on the horizon! I love my little cat. As hyped up and nervous as i get over everything, i swear i look at her and smile EVERY TIME. Best move in the world bringin her into my life ;)

 

August 12--- Michigan- one of the few places where almost everyone recycles everything they can. Wonderful. Loved the crowds in Grand Rapids. Not loving this heat. There was a Ms. Pac Man machine in the building where the club was. That's what i did while Larry Reeb was on stage. I have been sleeping alot. Friday afternoon i watched a flick here in the room. "Love Actually" with Hugh Grant - oh my GOD! I loved it!!

July 29-- Huntington WV Funnybone. I couldn't have a happier heart over the first show Saturday night. They were so amazing and helpful with the project i was working on. I wanted to get a really good 5-7 minute tape to send to Eddie Brill, who books the comedians on David Letterman. (FINGERS CROSSED) So Lucas Bohn, the MC had a real nice digital camera, and explained to the crowd that i was taping for the Late Show, and could they please not heckle and please laugh loud. So i go up and do like 20 minutes before we taped. They knew that the tape would start right after i said something about an anniversary in the audience. So the taping begins, i'm doing my planned out material, and this crowd was clapping and laughing so crazy wonderfully, and at all the right times- I am afraid that i was looking overly giddy on the tape, cuz i couldn't EVEN believe how energetic, supportive and wonderful they were! WOW anyone who is reading this who was at that show THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart :)

JULY 25, 2007 ~~ Had a great time at the Punchline in Atlanta, Ga. They double booked the feature act by accident. So, Mike Speenberg and i took turns hosting and featuring. I forgot how fun it is to MC ! Being the first one up there and navigating the flow of the show is REALLY cool *if you're in a good club* ! Not a bar gig- it blows...but the Punchline is obviously an A room-- Speenberg and i have so much in common- music, especially. He took me down to the hippy part of Atlanta- Little Five Points- wowwww. Loved it there. The headliner Tommy Blaze had his 9 year old daughter with him. She went up and did 5 minutes Sunday night! She was good! I have never seen a child more beautiful. I actually feel sorry for people who are that breath-takingly attractive. When she is older, I hope that people still recognize that she is funny and talented. It seems that beauty gets in the way of the other qualities somehow. One of the reasons i am glad i'm not gorgeous-it'd be harder to be a comedian. I really believe that. I did a showcase w/ a woman once who was super pretty -- and the audience made her work for it. She had good jokes, but it's like people are irritated- "beautiful AND funny? Fu#k you." ha ha. Of course it is very different in the celebrity world...they almost HAVE to be attractive or they would never be on TV. Very twisted. Since when do singers have to be pretty? but when a vocalist is not -- it's the big joke. Like when Lyle Lovett was married to Julia Roberts. Or like when Kelly Clarkson first got famous, and everyone was talking abou how "chunky" she was for a celebrity! She's a SINGER! Not a Victoria's Secret model! But f$ck them anyway! Dont you think fuller figured women want to wear lingerie (sp?) too??? And don't you think that some men don't like size 2 chicks without full lips and perfect skin?? I'd like to see a Victoria Secret commercial with a mix of women so we stop thinking that it's only ok to wear sexy clothes if you look like a supermodel!! LA is my most hated place for that reason I was there when i was in my early 20's and people were just right up front about what i needed to get done - you need a better style, you need bigger booobs, you need higher cheek bones. I'm like "Really?? Are you daring to say my parents didn't produce the right looking human ?? Or that the higher being doesn't know what He/She is doing??? Besides, would a more perfect body and face make my material better? Helllll NO!!!!! I'm trying to make people laugh, not make them oooh and ahhh at my appearance!!" Tommy Blaze said something that i thought was wonderful when i asked him if it gets annoying or scary when people are constantly telling Delaney (his daughter) how pretty she is. He said that he and his wife remind her all the time that her prettiness is not a contribution to society. I'm not sure i've ever heard that put better. What a wonderful thing to teach someone ESPECIALLY today!! when our society is just obsessed with physical beauty. On a lighter non-ranting note, I am out of DVDs....and thinking of a good idea for a tee shirt. Everyone's been suggesting i have a characture (sp again??) of myself. I need a slogan though too. Any suggestions are welcome. Peace.

July 17, 2007 Alright, so i'm not a big fan of Myspace, but i have an account that i check relatively infrequently, but here's what blew me away. I get alot of "friend" requests from people who've been at the shows. Ok so i get one from a woman who saw me in Knoxville this week...and in her "top friends" she has this guy:

and his name is Jesus...I am so confused. Ok when i first saw him, i didn't know if it was a GUY "going by" the name Jesus, which is kind of bold, or if some weird religious person put this up there!!! I found out (after i was scrolling down to see if he was single or not ha ha ha) that THAT was indeed that case! Someone made a myspace page for the son of God. First off, way too hot to be Jesus. But i went and looked at the friends and comments; i guess people are acting like this is the real deal! Jesus ON MYSPACE!????? What is happening to us??? Myspace is sleezy! There are people putting coments on Jesus' page like "what up dawg? You know i've been havin rough times, Yo...help me out" They're adding Him on their friends lists- like seriously religious people! Shouldn't you be at church??? or kneeling somewhere doing the rosary? Not "praying " on MYSPACE! Ohhhhh Myyyy God! Yes, that's me saying to his dad- this is f*cked up. If Jesus likes myspace, well then i think he's ok w/ the F word too. Wow.

July 13- Oh my God it's Friday the 13th....I think i like this day. Knoxville's going great. I got to meet AJ Jamal's brother last night. He'll be doing a guest set tonight...I scored at a christian yard sale today. Felt pretty guilty b/c i usually judge the judgers, but these holy rollers were very nice and didn't give me dirty looks cuz of my hair or whatever, the way they often do. The host of the show this week (Kiley) is getting me a jumbo discount at a super nice hotel on my 4 days off inbetween here and Atlanta...I should probably go buy a lottery ticket. Things are goin my way! If you don't know who the band GUSTER is; do yourself a favor and learn. They f*cking rock. I can't stop listening to them. Highlight of last night's show: someone yelled out that i should be headlining, and the crowd clapped very loud. What a wonderful moment that was. Are you reading this, Joel Pace?

July 1, 2007~ I got to work with someone new! But he was not new to me really. This was so crazy. (Cincinnati - Kentucky funnybone I walked into the green room (here at the (Cincinnati funnybone) and there was Heath Hyche the headliner (that sounds funny with all those h's) He looked very familiar to me, but i didn't know why. He got up on stage, and i knew immediately ! My mom and sister and i loved his set on Louie Anderson's comedy show like 12 years ago!!! He did a bit about the 70's music sound, and then he said "I love that sound!" and for whatever reason, we loved the way he said it, the face he made-- I was so excited that it was him! But what's crazy-- is that he did not recall our favorite part of that bit! It's so strange how something very small and random can strike someone as funny, and the performer doesn't even know! That happened to me recently. A girl sent me an email saying how funny a bit was- and it was not a bit at all. It was spontaneous and i had already forgotten about it. That's neat. Anyway, he's hilarious- and a very fun person to work with. I appreciate that because you would be surprised at how miserable some comics are! We have all day to do whatever we want! Yet some will complain about having two shows! We're at work for like 4 hours! And that's a 2-show night! I am not saying that all the travel time isn't tough , but as far as the week goes, it's pretty nice to be able to sleep in, do whatever you want all day, and then go to work, get a beer, and make people laugh. I have really enjoyed being here in Cinci-tucky. I found a fun spot too. Mary Lou's bar and grill . If i lived here, that would be the bar i went to. Thank you, Jim and Chuck.

June 21, 2007 Happy First Day of Summer!!!~ the longest day of the year. I decided to clean up this blog page, since there was tooo much on it!!! i can't update my picture page until i find my f****ng camera!!!!! I lost it somewhere at my mom's house. Oh my God I am working on a new bit thanks to my friend Angie, who was telling me about her neighbor and it was sooooooooo funny!!! She moved to a really cute house, but the neighbor has a yard that looks like something you would see on one of those news stories of someone letting their house and yard go so bad that the neighbors get together and get the person thrown out. Well the stuff that's in her back yard was funny enough, but I guess the other night Angie came home from work, and this crazy old lady was weedwacking the one teeny tiny little patch of grass that doesn't have moldy rugs or rusty old wheels on it. Then the next day, there was a tent set up. The woman told Angie that her son (who is in his FIFTIES) got evicted from his apartment, and will be living in the tent ! HA ha ha aha ahahahaaaa.... My street suddenly looks so much nicer to me. Poor Angie.

June 2, 2007~ I almost caught that southern accent in Kentuuuuky this week. I must say i love the southern talk. Someone called me a valley girl last night. Funny thing about that is that my mom is 57 and she still kind of talks that way; i think that's why i do. She says stuff like "I totally didn't know what you were saaaaaying" I put a couple extra a's in there cuz she sometimes sings her words like i do. I was relatively unaware of it, but working 6 days with Jason Russell in South Bend, made it impossible for me to not know. He is one of my favorite people to work with. We have so much fun together. He did an impersonation of me on stage every night, and it was hilarious (and slightly alarming b/c people thought it was accurate.) I didn't know i sounded THAT valley-ish! Oh my! So, i'm home and out on my deck listening to music (favorite thing ever) What a great time in the midwest. Kentucky - West Va trip~~ not so much. Weds night in Bluefield , WV there were 9 people in the audience when i started. 7 of them were Larry the Cable Guy look-a-likes. Not my crowd!!!!! I got not one single laugh for almost 7 minutes! Thankfully two fun women came in and sat down right up front. They laughed at almost everything, andhelped me to block out the flannels in the back. Shows like that are important though! Especially after three weeks of killer shows (Indianapolis, Des Moines and South bend- 3 KICK ass clubs!!!!) I don't ever want to get too high about shows. It's good to have a brutal one to struggle and push yourself. There's a chance i might get to do the Bob and Tom show next time thru Indianapolis. That would be good stuff (unless i totally freeze and bomb on the radio. ha ha)

March 27, 2007 I'm writing this from the plane to Florida. I used to hate to fly, but i really enjoy it now. As long as i'm not running late in the airport, then i really do get a kick out of looking at all the different types of people and trying to figure out why people stare at me so much. It's probably my hair, because i don't have any outrageous features and i'm not a knock out. But people do double takes at me alot, and it baffles me. Maybe they saw my HBO special. (ha ha ha). This is so funny--I was doing a show a few weeks ago and a very drunk woman came up after, while i was selling my dvds, and she said "I loved your HBO special" I said "Um, I wasn't ever on HBO" and she said "Yeah you were!" ha ha ha. Then i just let it go. But she didn't! She said, "You really should see it! It was good!" ha ha ha. Like i could ever not know that...like a camera crew snuck in, aired someone as unfamous as me, and that slipped past me. She was so insistent though! "No, I saw it! YOU should check it out! You're gonna like it." I am really enjoying Jacksonville so far!

March 16, 2007 Back to work tonight an hour and a half from home. I love that. Far enough away that i won't know lots of people, but close enough that i can sleep at home! Thank You, Tony from Full House Entertainment for the fun bar gigs that i truly do enjoy. Lots of comics hate gigs in small towns, but that's where the real people are at ! For real! My little cat had surgery yesterday. I know i talk about her like she's a baby. She is to me, and I cannot even believe how much i love her. I've only had her for three months, but i feel like i've had her forever. LOVE the little road cat. She likes to travel even!

Feb. 8 Unfortunately I got involved in a car accident on Pittsburgh Street in Greensburg yesterday. I'm thrilled to say that it was not my fault, but not so thrilled to report that my car is fuuuu*ked up. The whole back of my car is totally smashed in- bumper hanging off-- stickers ruined :( I am super sore today, but didn't really get hurt, which is cool. I called the lovely Joel Pace to see if i could get my weekend in Charlotte (Matthews) NC covered, and he made me sit through some awkward silence, which was my penance i guess. But someone else will be going there in my place. I will be home talking to insurance people and sipping cold beer. I watched Family Feud this morning, and laughed my ass off. Richard Dawsom (sp?) is hilarious. I love him.

January 29 Home for the week YAY!!! That Lansing room was really good!! I enjoyed it. It's weird how some weeks, you do great every night, then other places, you don't. Yet you're doing the same act pretty much! This week i did spend time on the treadmill every day (that always helps me mentally.) I like to play fun songs to make that time fly "Reba" by Phish, "Fire on High" by ELO, "Two Step" by Dave Matthews Band. These were a few of my favorites this week. I would die without music. Anyway, there are some shows that are just gonna suck no matter what. And i wish i'd finally get to a point where that shit doesn't bother me! When I have a rough show, it reeeeally gets to me! But like i've said before, nothin worse than an ego maniac comic, who thinks they rock every show, even when it's painfully obvious that they were having an off night. We all have those. Well i remember this one time!! Owch. This one was really annoying. I did a show in Pittsburgh a year or more ago, and the crowd was rowdy, and i was losing them, and i was trying some new material, and i didn't do quite a few of my bits that i know will work~ basically it was a combo of them being bad audience, and me making poor decisions on stage. I knew that i didn't handle that great, but i didn't really BOMB either WeLLL--- i'm at my former little local hang out the next Monday, and a girl who i know, who'd sent her co-workers to see me, started grilling me! in front of alot of other people "what happened Saturday? I heard you didn't do that nutscratcher bit, you didn't do the one about the waitress.... Were you doing too much crowd work?" i was so pissed! Like she was my manager! Who else would feel ok going up to someone (who they don't really know that well!) and start critiquing their work performance at a bar, in front of other people! Not to mention, this is not a comedian! She really doesn't know shit about what i do! What if i went up to her one evening at happy hour "What happened at work today?? Heard your performance was not up to snuff. WHY?" Sometimes people that they can tell people who do this type of work things that they kind of shouldn't. Don't know why. Well like when someone once said to me (they'd been to three shows in like 2 weeks.) and said "i'm ready for some new material next time i see you." And i'm thinking "Well quit coming to work with me every day! i dont'write a new act every night before bed!" Happy Monday to you all. xoxoxoxo

January 26 Last night's audience in Lansing was cr-ackking me Upppp!! There was a guy sitting up front rolling cigarettes, and he had a GLAD tupperwear container on the table with the tobacco and roller and stuff. I thought it was cute/funny that he carried it around in the little tupperwear. So THEN i look over to my right, and there's another guy with a tupperwear container on HIS table too! He had also rolled his own. I thought it must be a Michigan thing, to bring it in tupperwear - and i think maybe the funniest part is that they didn't roll them at home to bring- they rolled them during the show! I asked the one guy what he did for a living, and he said he was unemployed (which is I guess why he's buying cigarettes the thrifty way) but maybe he is getting restless from no work, so he has to keep busy , even during the comedy show. I don't know. I met a lovely group of environmentally friendly, hippy type people after the show, who really brightened my week. In a huge way. They were interesting and happy, and funny and tight knit with eachother....I loved them.

January 20 Hmmm...Germantown. It's kind of interesting how certain places have a strong vibe about them. Like Boise Idaho- the minute i'm off the plane, i am breathing better., happier. Paducah, Ky- want to throw up the whole time. Germantown is weird. I feel like it has no personality. It feels stale or something. It's actually probably me, and where i am this week emotionally. I do have to say though that iam enjoying looking at the snow. I was afraid it was going to be a whole winter without it. That would scare the shit out of me.I like maintaining this webpage, but i surrendered ( i cannot believe it) and joined myspace. ONLY a work move. Turns out- a kind of good one. There are a lot of people who i've lost tough with (in comedy) who are on there. It IS a good way to network with other comedians and clubs. I am not putting a blog up or details for my schedule. I have more respect for this webpage that Chris Stewart was so nice to help me with.

January 11- 2007 -- Madison Wi...wow. Coooool place no doubt. I like it here already. I did a show Weds night in Dubuque, Iowa- funnnnnn....!! Thank you, John Yoder for good rooms. Tonight thru
Saturday I'm in Madison Wi with Jason Russell-!! so it's a college town that is pretty damn hip. I'm not usually a huge fan of college towns, but i LIKE IT HERE! Loved the show tonight. Met a guy LAST night who HANDED me his button off his jeans. Ok , this is a first He said "i laughed so hard, my button popped off my jeans" NICE!!!!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha....

January 9, 2007~ FINALLY there is snow on the ground!!! Yesssss! I'm glad i set my alarm for 9 a.m. Somehow seeing the first snow in the morning is better than later in the day. (yes, i have to set my alarm if i want to get up before like 11 a.m) I quit drinking (for January) and i've been up till like 3 a.m. every night, getting all kinds of stuff done at my house. So i sleep until like noon sometimes, (and by the way HATE when people say stuff about me being lazy for still being in bed that late. While they were fast asleep at 2:30, I was learning new Ani Difranco songs and washing my bathtub.) So anyway, I go back on the road tomorrow after 9 beautiful, wonderful, productive days off here at home. I am not looking forward to it (!?) Living here full time seems so appealing right now. Uh oh. Simple little diner job from 6-2, ride my bike there- no car- take care of my plants and cat here at home, living a quiet life. Yeah, then as soon as i do that, i'll miss all the travel and chaos that is my life now. It's going to be weird doing shows with no reward of a cold beer or 4 afterwards! My little cat is getting healthier every day. I treat her like a baby. She couldn't possibly get more attention than i give her. I am not going to publicly bash the Humane Society (yet.) I'm going to wait until i see how they handle my complaints about how they neglected Marci for one full year at the shelter, then gave her to me, with no explanations of how sick she was....oops i'm already talking shit. I'm feeling very grateful for all this healthy alone time i had here at my lovely home. You never know when things are gonna spin around and get bad (real nice attitude- ha ha) That's why i suck in the good feelings when they're here.

December 15, 2006~~Toledo, Ohio...I love Panera Bread so much! They let you hang out here, using their free wireless for as long as you want while suckin down as many coffee refills as you can handle. Thank you, Panera! In the years that i've been traveling doing this job, I've learned alot about saving money along the way. Some people think it's extreme, I call it smart. I bought a microwave at a yard sale for FIVE DOLLARS!(yard sales rockkk) So I keep it in my trunk, and carry it into hotel rooms that don't have one. You wouldn't believe how many strange looks i get! I guess people are just so lazy...they often say "I can't believe you go to all that trouble hauling that thing around" It's relatively light, and it takes like 2 minutes to get it out of the trunk and into the room!! ONE time-- I was leaving on a Sunday morning, and i was carrying it out to my car, and the housekeeper said "Ma'am (which i hate) You can't take that" !?! The sad part is that she WORKS at that hotel, and didn't stop to think that none of the rooms have a microwave! She just automatically assumed that i was stealing! So i decided to mess with her. I just took off running. ha ha ha. Cuz i knew i couldn't get in trouble, but it was thrilling for that brief time. I felt like a criminal for a second. But then I had to go past her again, and i felt like a weirdo. I said "i brought that with me...i just ran to fuck with you" She was so mad (and probably embarassed). I bring my own comforter and pillow. Actually anyone that doesn't do that is crazy. Ew. As is they wash the comforter every time. No way. I try to make the hotel rooms feel as much like home as i can. I burn nag champa, so it smells like my house. My birthday is in 15 days. The big THREE FIVE.

November 17~I am so so so happy to be back in Boise, Idaho. I love this place so much, I can't describe. The crowds here are amazing and i love being on this stage maybe most of all stages. The vibe in this city is one i can't illustrate to you. It just feels good. And lucky me-- i get to work here NEXT week too! There's a Pita Pit, a thrift store, bicycles everywhere, mountains, people who smile and make eye contact, dreadlocks, fresh air, a food co-op, a KICK ass record store (the Record Exchange). If i didn't have people I love living in PA, and i didn't travel all over for my job, I would totally live here.

 

November 9, 2006 Yay! Election results! Yay!! (As I'm typing this, I'm hearing Jim Florentine's character "special Ed" ) Most of you don't know this, but before that character was fully developed, Jim used to call me, and do that voice, and the character was called Jeremy. I used to laugh so hard and save all the messages. It was so long ago, it was an answering machine that had an actual tape in it that would fill up and you had to flip over. I used to love my friendship with Jim Florentine. He was very funny off stage, and hated trashing other comics, which is so rare! I respected that. He used to say that i need to move toNew York, which alot of comics cannot understand why anyone would CHOOSE the road life. I get sick thinking of living in NYC or LA. Even Chicago! I love small towns. and I love paying less than 500 bucks for a big, beautiful apartment!

October thirty (my zero key is stuck) Kansas City Improv was very, very interesting. I took LOTS of pictures, which i will add Wednesday night when i get home. I met LOTS of interesting people, and got see lots of people i know too! Gary Menke slid me a quick casino gig Sunday afternoon, where i got to work with one of the funniest guys i've ever seen. His name is David Crowe, and if you get the chance, you should totally check out his webpage, which i believe is www.davidcrow.com. Oh my god was he amazing. and then it turns out he's a huge John Denver fan, which made me love him more. I was working with a gay guy this week named Jason Stuart. Really cool to have so many gay people at every show. It's almost check out time and i'm headed to St. Louis. All the fun pictures will be up Wednesday night.Happy Halloween!

July 27~ DesMoines, Iowa Funnybone....Yessss! I've been working here for many years, and I always love coming back. I get to do radio with Heather, Lou and Round Guy on the rock station in town. It's very fun, except, of course, getting up at 6 a.m. I had the tv on in the hotel room for a few minutes this morning, and I saw Weird Al Yankovich. I can't believe i'm going to admit this, but people seem to think that it's funny. He asked me out about 7 or 8 years ago. Of all the famous people, that's who hits on me. Nice. One of my girlfriends from college and i were playing pool at a bar in Pittsburgh and there was a guy sitting at a table by us who looked exactly like Weird Al. I approached him and asked him if he hears that all the time, and he responded "I *am* weird Al" and I didn't even believe him., even though he looked just like him. So i started quizzing him on the songs. It turned out it was indeed him. He had a concert in town the next night. He invited us to go to the concert, and he asked me for my phone number. So i gave it to him.( How dangerous can Weird AL be??) So he called me the next day and asked me to have dinner with him. I used to screen my calls all the time, so I was laying in bed cracking up because i was like dodging a call from Weird Al. Ha ha ha!

Wednesday, May 24....It's nice to be home. I got to see both Mom and Dad today :) Nice. Greensburg, Pa is so lovely. So how bout this? One of my friends who lives here in the Burg of Green (No one calls it that by the way) but anyway my friend Jen said "Why did you take that story about the sunglasses off your blog?" so i'll tell it again...it kind of issss funny. Embarassing though. Ok. So a REALLY nice boy i dated when i was 16 yeah...SIXTEEN!!!! (Kevin) -his parents had a boat, and they all taught me how to waterski FUN so anyway, he was suuuuuch a nice boy, and his family was so sweet, and so i'm like 17 maybe, and we're on the boat....*just so you know i originally wrote about this b/c i was trying to cleanse my soul of the guilt* so we're having a great Saturday afternoon (me, Kevin, his brother, sister, mom and dad) and i go out and ski and i come back into the boat, knees all shaking of course (you know adrenilan can't spell...and excitement whatever) so i sit on a pair of GLASSES! So i got super scared, didn't know what to do! so i just kept sitting on them. Then like 1/2 hour later, the dad has announced that he lost his prescription sunglasses! and the WHOLE FAMILY is searching fo them- ! So i'm in such a panic, i threw them overboard!! BUT worse.... I then HELPED them look for them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A PrrrrICK i am! i feel so awful about that. What an obnoxious 17 year old. Ew.

April 3 2006....Greensboro NC comedy zone. ROUGH ROOM. Yow. I thought that maybe last night (Saturday) they were playing an April Fools joke on me being such a weird audience... but i guess that would be impossible for 300 people to get that organized. I don't usually like when the night's over. I liked it last night. And that's funny too b/c i was rushing back to a little teeny tiny motel that smelled like mothballs. I have such a glamorous life. Thank god i love being outside. I thought about pitching my tent outside of the motel. I would've rather slept in it than in that room. You know what? I totally forgot that i acually did that once as a boycott. ha! i was working a shitty bar gig, and the motel they put me up in- Oh my GOD... When i walked into the room, I definitely thought it was a mistake or a joke. The bed wasn't made there were mirrors on the ceiling...overflowing ashtray!!!....so i went to the desk and the guy came out (with no shirt on, by the way) YEAH he's working the front desk with no shirt. So i told him about the room and he said (i'm laughing so hard righ now. I forgot this even happened) He said that the maid had to go home early (!)HAHAHAA!! So i complained of course, and he did not give a FU#K at all....he was pretty much "take it or leave it" so instead of going and getting a room somewhere else ( this was like 4 or 5 years ago i had NO MONEY) i put my tent up right outside of the room i was supposed to stay in. Hahahaha!

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